My Heart Is On Fire

"Give me up? You mean you would go back to that bastard after everything he did to you?" I about seeing red, I couldn't believe that she would even consider going back to him. I couldn't help but think - are you fucking stupid?

Hey! I said I was thinking it! I'm not stupid enough to actually say it and expect to still have my nuts.

"No!" Sara's eyes went really wide. "I never want to be with Ken again! I meant that he would make it difficult for us if we had a baby together!"

"So what?" I was getting a little irritated by her thought process, why the hell would she let that bastard have that much control over her now? If she was pregnant, who was he to tell her who she could or couldn't see?

"I just didn't want that stress Tanner."

"Oh," I turned away from her. "I see."

"What do you see Tanner?"

I ignored her, choosing to get out of bed and head over to my desk instead where I sat in my swivel chair and spun myself around a couple times, trying to escape the thoughts I was having but knowing that there was only one thing I could do.

"Tanner! Don't walk away from me!" She was off the bed and at my side in no time at all. "What do you see?"

I sighed, stopped the chair from spinning around and slowly turned to face her. She looked so scared and helpless as she stood in front of me in her over sized, work wore t-shirt with her hair falling from the ponytail she always wore for work, partly from working and partly from being in bed with me. "Sara," I reached for her hands to pull her closer but she batted my hands away.

"Just tell me what you see?" She pleaded, her voice wavered giving away just how scared she really was. I wanted to hold her hands so I tried again but this time she crossed her arms over her chest.

FUCK ME!

My concentration broke and my eyes drifted to her tits.

"TANNER!" She dropped her arms in frustration.

"Ah," I chuckled, ran my hand through my hair as I tilted my head downwards.

"Tanner please tell me."

Rubbing the back of my neck, I sighed. "I see that you aren't as ready to move on from the bastard as I hoped you would be by now."

"Yes I am, I just -"

"No Sara," I shook my head as I rose from my chair. "If you were ready you wouldn't have pushed me away even if you were pregnant with his baby."

"You don't understand Tanner! Ken would make -"

"Your life miserable, I know! I heard you Sara! And I think that's a bullshit excuse!" In the back of mind, I knew I was being a jerk but I couldn't stop myself. "Pushing me away because he wouldn't like it if we were more than friends? When are you going to realize that you aren't under his control? You are your own person? If you wanted the baby and me, you could've had both! We could've handled the bastard together!"

"Tanner..." Sara's bottom lip started to tremble and tears filled her eyes as I continued to rant like a lunatic.

"You pushed me away, telling yourself you were doing it for all the right reasons and I would understand whenever your stupid fear didn't find any ground but I don't! There's no way I could even begin to understand the fucked up logic that went into that decision Sara!"

Tears were running down her cheeks, she tried to brush them away with her palm but there were too many. And I'll be damned if the raving lunatic didn't continue to ream her out.

"You didn't even confide in me! You confided in Billy! How the hell do you think that makes me feel? Did you not trust me? Did you think I would turn you over to the bastard? Fuck Sara! I've tried to be supportive but you refused to even let me be that! Fuck!" I whipped my hands into the air in sheer frustration when I said 'fuck' and she jumped.

"Please don't," she begged as she covered her face with her arms.

And that's when the raving lunatic froze.

"Sara..." I went to reach for her but she was backing away, crying so hard.

What the fuck was I doing?

I tried to talk to her but her sobs were drowning me out. I felt like such a fucking prick. I told myself I was no better than the bastard, I may not have hit her or even thought about it but I still hurt her. Maybe even more than he ever could.

She wouldn't let me touch her, she just stood there, half bent over, crying.

That was a week ago and it was the last time I had a conversation with her - she has been avoiding me at work and simply ignoring my calls.

I have no idea how to make this up to her.

Sara's Fear

Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant...

The word repeated in that eerie echo-y way in my head. I gasped or maybe I just think I did but I was really just laying next to her with my jaw scraping the quilt she just gave me. It was as if the world disappeared into the black abyss the moment that word left her lips. I broke out in a cold sweat! I couldn't fucking believe it! I was actually panicking! And the funny thing? I wasn't panicking because she just told me it was mine but because it wasn't mine! How fucked up was that? Panicking because I wasn't about to be a father? Fuck me! I needed help!

"It's ok," my voice sounded so far away, it was almost trippy. I started to tell her that it would be ok when she started to laugh.

"Tanner!" She grabbed hold of my arm and gazed up at me. "I'm not pregnant! I thought I was!"

"Oh," I blinked a couple times in rapid succession, thankful that she stopped me before I told her that I would help her raise the baby. "That's great," I couldn't believe the disappointment that spread over me. What the...? Disappointment? I should be fucking happy that she isn't carrying the bastards baby but... I didn't know what it was. OK, I did, I just didn't want to admit that I was excited for a brief moment under all that panicking.

"Is everything OK?" Sara chewed nervously on her bottom lip at she stared at me. When I told her that everything was fine she seemed to relax just a little.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked her, not really sure I wanted to know but I felt like I needed too.

"I didn't know how to tell you Tanner," she looked away. "I didn't want to be pregnant with Ken's baby. I didn't love him and I didn't want to be left with a reminder of all my past mistakes." She shrugged, a small motion that I almost missed. "I avoided taking a test because I didn't want to admit there was a possibility that I could be..."

"But you took the test? You are sure you aren't pregnant?"

She nodded, "Billy made me." She chuckled softly, turning to me again. "He bought me a test Saturday after work and told me if I didn't take it he would hound me until I did."

"You told Billy you thought you were pregnant?" The resentment started to boil inside me, it was stupid, I knew this but the fact that Billy knew when I didn't made me mad. "You didn't trust me enough to tell me?"

"Of course I did!" She exclaimed. "I didn't mean to tell Billy but he was asking so many questions when we went out on Friday, he said I was acting so strange lately and he wanted to know why. I blurted it out to shut him up!"

Sara went on to tell me that she wished she had the courage to tell me before she found out that she wasn't pregnant. "We were just starting to get to know each other," she stated. "I didn't want to burden you with it."

"It wouldn't have been a burden," I told her. "I could've been there for you Sara."

She shook her head, "No it wasn't your problem, it was mine. I didn't want to let you in only to have to push you away again."

"What?" I frowned, I didn't know how letting me know she thought she was pregnant would change the way things were between us. "If you were pregnant Sara, I would be there for you." She started to shake her head. "I would!"

"No Tanner," she pushed away from me and sat up, not looking at me. "If I was pregnant with Ken's baby you couldn't be around me."

"Sara what are you..." I pushed back the quilt and sat up, reaching out my hand to her. "Why couldn't I be around you? You wouldn't want me around?"

"Tanner..." she sighed sadly. "Of course I would want you around but Ken wouldn't." She glanced over her shoulder at me. "I would have to have the baby Tanner, you understand that, right?" I nodded, I never thought she wouldn't have the baby, if there was one. "I would have to tell him and he would demand to be in the baby's life, even if I didn't want him too."

"So?" I didn't understand what that had to do with me being there for her, so I asked her.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "He would make my life hell, and the baby's life too if there was another man in the picture." She took another breath and turned back to me. "I didn't want to let you in Tanner because I didn't want to have to give you up if I was pregnant."

Sara's Secrets

To be honest with you, I didn't know what was in the bag Sara gave me, I had brought it to my room but for some strange reason, I didn't open it. It was still sitting where I left it, next to my desk. I had kind of forgotten about it until she asked me about it last night.

We were sitting in the staff room eating lunch, Billy was telling us about some 'B' movie that he happened to watch the other morning on TV when Sara leaned closer to me, wrapping her hand around my arm. "Hey Tanner?" She was smiling, still. It had been a couple days and she was still happy. It was strange but great at the same time. She was always touching me too, so you know I was excited about that! Really excited. It helped to add some 'details' to my overactive imagination and porn-type dreams of her.

"Yes Sara?" I turned to look down at her, catching Billy shaking his head and smiling as I did.

"You didn't say," she frowned. "Didn't you like it?"

"Like what?"

She hesitated, "I left a bag with your mom on Friday. Did she give it to you?" I told her mom did. "Oh!" The smile was back. "Did you like it?"

It was my turn to hesitate.

Sara's face fell. "You didn't like it?"

"No, Sara it's not that. I," I felt like a jackass now that I didn't open it. I wanted to tell her that I loved it but if I did that she would start to talk about it like I knew what it was and I couldn't fake that. Why the fuck didn't I open the damn bag?

"What is it Tanner?" She looked worried as her hands slipped from my arm. "I know it was unexpected but I -"

"I didn't open it yet!" I blurted out, cutting her off.

You could hear the hurt in her voice when she spoke, "Why not Tanner?"

"I wanted you to be there?" I asked and then nodded, I did want her to be there. "Yes, that's it! I was waiting for you to come over. So," I slipped my arm around the back of her chair. "Were you coming over after work?"

The smile was back in full force, along with a slight tinge of red in her cheeks as she glanced around the staffroom but she said she would.

It had been a week since Sara was last at my house and longer than that since she spent the day/night with me. Needless to say, I was hoping that she would stay over when she came.

Once it was settled that Sara would come over this morning, Billy continued his commentary on the movie he watched until lunch was over; it was only 10 minutes but fuck! That guy can go on and on about nothing!

Around 4:30 this morning, Billy came over to pets where I was busy stocking the cat food.

"Would you like to know what Sara and I did last Friday night?"

Slowly, I turned to him, he got my attention. "You'll tell me? Does Sara know you are doing that?" He shook his head. "She'll kill you," he shrugged. "Ok, tell me! I need to know why she's been in a great mood lately!"

Billy laughed, "This isn't the reason she was in a great mood this week, for that answer, you'll need to ask her. What I'm going to show you is just one of the reasons she had a great weekend." He started to walk away.

"Wait!" He turned and I asked him where he was going. "I thought you were going to fill me in?"

"I am," he smiled. "It's just better to show you than tell you. Come on!"

Billy headed out of pets, down the aisle towards the front. "Where are we going?" I asked as I followed along. "Aren't we going to get in trouble if Judy catches us?"

"No," Billy scoffed. "We'll just tell her we are going to help Sara with her risering - she has a whole skid of diapers to put up on the high wall."

"So you are telling me? Or getting Sara to tell me?"

"Tanner just come on!" Billy turned down towards infants, I went to say something but he 'shhh'ed' me.

As we neared Sara's department, I heard her. I thought she was talking but it sounded a little off. "Is she...?"

"Shhh!" Billy gave me a 'speak again again and I'll hit you' look as he made his way through the clothing racks. Following he, I still had no idea what he was doing but I knew Sara was singing. Billy stopped short, peeked around the end cap before turning to motion for me to come over.

At first I didn't hear what Sara was singing and when I got closer, she stopped. I thought for sure she realized Billy was there but she seemed totally unaware that she was being watched as she started on a new song, I could hear the opening notes of the song through the mp3 player she had on under her shirt. When I started, she told me that you weren't allowed to listen to your own music but she did. "I just never wear the ear pieces," she told me. "They can't really say much if I don't wear them."

I guess little miss Sara did use the ear pieces from time to time because the wire from the mp3 player to the ear piece was running up along her neck to her ear. I realized that's why she didn't hear us come over.

The guitar in her song gave way to drums and Sara started to bounce as she grabbed a couple packages of socks from her overflowing cart. Turning back to the wall in front of her she started to sing along with whatever she was listening too....

"Get up. Get out. Move on, move on. There's no doubt. I'm all wrong, you're right. It's all the same to you. I'm too thin, too fat. You ask why, so why, so why, so why? On and on and on On and on and on and on."

I was so mesmerised by her bouncing - oh YES! You can all imagine why Sara's bouncing made me...happy - I didn't even notice Billy walk away from me. If I thought the gentle bouncing she was doing at the beginning was something to get hard over, then I was completely lost when she must've hit the chorus and really bounced to the music!

"Don't wanna grow up. I wanna get out. Hey, take me away. I wanna shout out. Take me away, away, away, away. Away..."

Billy came back and I noticed the phone in his hand, he held it out to Sara as she stopped bouncing and started to rotate her hips so slowly, I swear my mouth was watering as I stared at her!

When Billy held out the phone, it picked up her singing, broadcasting it over the PA system.

"Round and round, here we go again. Same old story, same old end. Turn my head, I turn back again. Same old stuff never ends..."

Sara stopped singing, looking up and then to her left where we were standing. "Billy!" She dropped the socks she had in her hand and lurched for him, he took off laughing while I threw out my arm to stop her. "You're a big jerk, you know that?" She yelled at him as he hung up the phone.

"That's what we were doing last weekend," Billy told me from his safe place by the phone.

"Singing?" I looked down at Sara, she wasn't looking at me. "You have a great voice Sara."

"Thanks," she mumbled without looking up at me.

"Everyone at the club thought so too!" Billy stated. "She won last weekend - $200 cash for singing with the live band they had there."

"That's awesome!" It was, Sara needed something to boost her confidence. "Why didn't you want me to know?"

"It was karaoke," Sara said, lifting her head slightly, not really looking at me yet. "I didn't think you would like it, you said before it was lame." She finally looked at me, "I didn't want you to think I was lame. I enjoy it."

Ok, I do think karaoke is lame. Most of the people who do it are either drunk or can't sing or they don't really know the song - they embarrass themselves. Although the odd time you do hear some one who can really sing but around here? Mainly wannabe's who couldn't carry a tune if their life depended on it!

But with that said. Fuck! I'd go to see Sara shaking her thing! I'd pay to see her shake her ass! Fuck! I would even sit through millions of horrific 'singers' doing lame ass songs just to see Sara as happy as she seemed when she was singing.

Before I could say anything though, Billy was telling her exactly what I was thinking. Well a less perverted version of what I was thinking.

"He's right," I told her. "I would've loved to see you last weekend."

Sara blushed, "Thanks Tanner." She started to tell me a little about it when Judy walked up to us.

"Tanner, Billy, don't you guys have work to do?"

At last break, I got Sara to come to the training room with me. Once we were inside, I closed the door behind her. "What are we doing here?" She walked further into the room. "What's going on Tanner?"

"I want to hear you sing," I told her as I stood in front of her.

"No," she shook her head, laughing. "Tanner let's just go to the staffroom."

"Come on," I moved closer to her. "I didn't get the pleasure of seeing you with the band." She shook her head. "Not even just a little bit?"

She hesitated, I took advantage of that. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed when I slipped my hand under her shirt. "Tanner?"

"Just getting this," I pulled her mp3 player out enough to see it as I tried to ignore the creamy white softness of her skin. I won't even tell you what x-rated thoughts I had when I caught a glimpse of her bra. "Sing just a little bit of whatever song is playing?" I pressed on the power button, turning my gaze back to her. "Please?"

"Tanner..."

The opening music for a slow song started, her shoulders fell and I thought that I made a mistake...

...then she started to sing, a song I had heard before but I didn't know what it was, her body swaying gently with the music.

"I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way
I watch the sunlight dance across your face and I've
Never been this swept away

All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away
The only thing I hear
Is the beating of your heart"

Her voice was pretty shaky up to this point. She was looking every where but at me, I wanted her to look at me. I went to take her hand but she was too into the song as it picked up.

"'Cause I can feel you breathe
It's washing over me
Suddenly I'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby all we need is just to be
Caught up in the touch
The slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way that love's supposed to be
I can feel you breathe
Just breathe"

Sara lifted her head, looking directly at me.

"In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down
Closer than I've ever felt before
And I know
And you know
There's no need for words right now..."

I thought she was going to cry when her voice trailed off and she gave a little shrug, chuckling softly. As the song continued on without her, I found my hands reaching out for her - she walked into my arms. She was trembling as we swayed together to the music.

Fuck! She felt great pressed against me like that, I wanted her! And she knew it.

The song ended but she didn't make a move to get away from me. "Tanner?" She lifted her head from my chest, she wanted me, I could see that in her eyes! I couldn't believe my luck! Finally I thought I was going to get a chance to kiss her...

...And Fucking Billy just had to come looking for us! Fucker! I told him later that after work I was going to kill him.

He reminded me that Sara was going home with me and I 'forgave' him.

Once we were here in my room Sara grabbed the bag from the floor next to my desk. She carried the bag over to the bed and sat down. "Come on," she smiled at me. "Open it." She didn't need to ask twice, there wasn't anything that would keep me from being on my bed with her.

The bag was a little on the heavier side, I had no clue what could possibly be in it just by looking at the solid blue color of the gift bag. "You didn't have to get me anything," I told her.

"I wanted you to have this," she told me.

"Ok," I turned my attention back to the bag. It was a little weird getting a gift from her when it wasn't my birthday or anything like that, I felt like I should've gotten her something. I'm the guy, I should be the one buying surprises for her not the other way around!

Sara made a noise as I broke open the tape that was holding the bag closed. "Is something wrong?" I glanced up at her, she was biting her bottom lip.

"No," she shook her head. "Just hurry up, I'm dying here!"

I was tempted - really tempted - to take my time but I have to admit, I'm worse than a kid at Christmas when it comes to gifts, I rip them open!

After ripping the bag open, I reached in -without peeking - and gripped the soft material in my hand. "What is it?" I wondered out loud as I pulled it from the bag.

"It's a quilt!" Sara blurted out. "Damn!" She groaned, "Sorry?"

"It's ok," I laughed, she was cute. "Thanks," I didn't really know what else to say. It's not that I didn't like the quilt, it was just a strange thing to give me. Then I had an idea, "Wanna try it out with me?"

I thought she would say no but she pushed the empty gift bag off the bed. "Yes!"

We got under the quilt she gave me. "It's really warm," I told her after a couple minutes.

"Do you like it Tanner?" She turned onto her side.

"Yes," I told her. It was a nice quilt and warm, like I after said.

"Good," she smiled.

"But you didn't have to buy me anything Sara."

"I didn't buy it," she turned her head away from me. "I made it."

"What?" I lifted the quilt and examined it. "Wow!" There was nothing else I could say to that, it was so well made, I thought she bought it. "When did you have time to do this? We haven't known each other that long."

"I had lots of time not that it mattered, the quilt didn't take that long to make once I started on it," she told me and that's when I found out that she hadn't been sleeping all that much lately. "I've had a lot on my mind," she told me. When I mentioned that she seemed to sleep pretty good when she was here, she nodded. "I did," she turned back to me. "I feel so different here," she said. When I asked her what she meant, she told me, "I feel safe and...warm..." she smiled at me. "I wanted to do something for you that would make you feel the same way. The quilt will keep you warm but I'm not sure about the safe part."

"Thank you," I move to give her a kiss on the cheek before pulling her into my arms.

We had been laying there for a while, not saying anything when I asked her, "What were you so worried about that you couldn't sleep?"

Sara sighed, a huge sigh. "I thought I was pregnant."

WTF?

Ok, my mom didn't ground me, she threatened to ground me. She knows that she can't really ground me, she was just that pissed off at me for taking off and not letting her know where I was or if I was ok.

Now it might seem like my mom is a little overbearing but I didn't tell any of you about the time I was 14...and then when I was 17...or the time I was 22...and then there was the time I was 24 and...well, let's just say my mom has many reasons to worry about me when I leave and don't let her know where I'm going. A couple times, I just didn't bother to call or go home, I was a kid I didn't think I had to tell my parents anything. Once or twice, the cops escorted me home and then there was the time when I was 22. That's the time that causes mom to freak out. I left without telling her where I was going, she knew I was going somewhere with Luke and the guys but that was all I would tell her.

We went to some bush party. I didn't know the people who were throwing it and I didn't know really where I was but I didn't care. There was alcohol, music and some damn fine women, what the hell did I care?

I ended up getting completely hammered, I passed out pretty much where I was standing.

Luke and the guys ended up taking off while I was passed out, leaving me behind. They swear to this day that they thought I was in the truck with them! Anyway, they leave, neither one of them are sober enough to drive and the road they were driving wasn't one they've travelled all that often and although they were close to town - Luke swears that a deer jumped out in front of the truck but none of the other guys saw it - they hit the ditch.

From what I remember, they were beat up pretty badly and a couple broken bones but they were really lucky, even the paramedics were surprised that they weren't hurt more than they were. Which was great! Until everyone realized that I wasn't with them (remember the guys thought I was in the truck!). The cops searched the area for me but of course they couldn't find me. I don't know if it was a cop or some one related to my friends who went to my parents house to tell them about the accident and that they weren't able to locate me.

Meanwhile, I'm snoring out in a field in the middle of nowhere.

It was raining when I woke up. The field was deserted. I was cold, wet and so pissed off that my 'friends' left me behind. I didn't know where I was, I didn't know how to get where I wanted to go but I started to walk anyway.

I think I was walking for about an hour before a tracker trailer finally came down the road. Bob, the trucker, was nice enough to stop and offer me a lift into town; he brought me as far the turn off to my parents' subdivision.

My parents' weren't home when I got home, I didn't even think twice about it because I figured they would be at the shop. I got a shower, grabbed something to eat and then went to watch TV. I fell asleep.

Two hours later, I woke up to mom crying as she squeezed the life out of me.

That night/day must have been horrible for my parents.

That's the reason I don't blame my mom for freaking out.

But like I said, she didn't ground me, she did try to take their car from me but dad told her there was no way he was driving me around. "It's cooling down at night now Cathy, you wouldn't want him to catch another cold. Besides, he's 29! Don't you think it's time to cut those apron strings?" My dad rocks most of the time.

I'm not grounded, I still have transportation but I did get the biggest lecture mom has ever given. It ended with, "I just want you to let me know if you are coming home Tanner, is that too much to ask?"

Of course it wasn't, I told her I would call her the next time. I was hoping that it would go that simple with Sara when I saw her at work last night.

I was expecting her to be mad, I was expecting her to ignore me.

She didn't do either. When I walked into the staffroom, she looked up and smiled at me. "Hey Tanner!"

"Hey Sara..." I nodded to Billy who was sitting across from Sara. "Billy..." I asked them how their weekend was as I sat down next to Sara.

"It was great!" Sara beamed at me and then she did something I wasn't expecting - she leaned over and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek in front of everyone! "How was your weekend?"

"Ummm..." I hesitated.

"Tanner?" She was still smiling as she sat back in her chair. "Is everything ok?"

"Yes," I chuckled nervously. "Kind of threw me off balance with that hug there Sara."

She glanced at the time, stood up with her name badge in hand. "You'll get used to it," she said as she moved behind me to head to the door.

I turned to Billy, who was in the process of getting up as well. "What's up with Sara?" I asked him.

"It was a great weekend," was all he said before he left the room.

Spill The Beans

I woke up Saturday morning in a place I couldn't remember, with a hangover that made me wish I was dead. I tried to roll over onto my side but every time I went to move, I felt like someone was shaking the shit out of me. I felt like I was going to throw up. "Oh kill me now!" I groaned.

I heard what sounded like giggling coming from beside me and I swear my heart almost stopped, I may have been hungover but I knew Sara wasn't with me - I didn't 'wake up' like I normally did when she was next to me.

It seemed to take all the energy I had to turn my head in the direction of the giggling but the second I saw Mandy staring at me as she rested her head on the pillow next to me, I jumped up in bed. "oh," I groaned, my hands flew to my head to stop it from floating away.

"Wow you are grumpy in the morning," Mandy was way to cheerful. "Cheer up," she poked me in the side and I damn near puked.

"Don't touch me," I moaned as I turned away from her.

"Huh," she grunted. "That's the same thing you said last night."

If I wasn't on the verge of puking, I would've asked her what she was talking about but instead I stumbled off the bed and down the hall in search for a bathroom.

"Through here," she appeared at my side and opened a door. I have no idea what she said next, I stumbled to the toilet and collapsed onto the floor, my head over the bowl as everything I had the day before came back up.

I believe in the middle of puking, I passed out. I believe this because I don't remember anything from the moment I starting throwing up to the point where Mandy prodded me with her foot. "Stop it," I growled while trying to bat her foot away from me.

I managed to regain control over my body once again. With some help from Mandy, I got to my feet and made my way over to the sink. Fuck! I look like crap! I thought as I stared at myself in the mirror. If Sara could see you now...of FUCK! Spinning around as fast as I could, it felt like I was going in slow motion, I turned to face Mandy, my stomach dropped when I saw she was wearing my shirt.

"No!" Slumping against the counter, I lifted my hands to my head. No! Please tell me I didn't! Sara is going to kill me when she finds out!

"Tanner?"

Don't you mean 'if' she finds out? What she doesn't know won't hurt her and it's not like we are dating!

"Tanner?"

What are you saying you fucking moron? Of course she'll find out! You can't keep this from her! You would be no better than the bastard if you didn't tell her about it!

"Tanner! Will you say something!"

But she'll never understand and that will be the end of 'us'.

"TANNER!"

She means too much to me! I won't let you fuck this up for me!

"What?" Mandy was staring at me like I was crazy.

Frowning, I stared back at her. "What?"

"Who means too much to you? What do you think I'll fuck up?"

"What?" I repeated, did I say that out loud?

"Tanner will you tell me what's going on?" Mandy stepped closer to me. "You show up here acting like someone I don't even recognize, you go out and get plastered, spill your beer on me as you try to get into my pants only to pass out after taking your shirt off to offer it to me." Mandy crossed her arms over her chest. "We've been friends for a long time Tanner, I think it's time you tell me what's going on! Who has gotten you this worked up?" She paused and slowly a smile spread across her face. "And when do I get to meet her?"

I tried to tell Mandy that I didn't know what she was talking about but she just laughed at me. "Tanner! Tell me! Don't make me call Luke!"

"You can't call Luke!" I snapped at her. "If he finds out about...this..."

Mandy rolled her eyes, "I'm a big girl," she told me. "I don't need my brother watching my back! Besides I'd be more worried about what your girlfriend will think about you spending the night here!"

"Sara isn't my girlfriend!"

Mandy raised a brow at me, "That's what is bugging you, isn't it? Sara is resisting your charm!"

I ended up telling Mandy everything that has happened with Sara before I left her place on Saturday. She told me that I just need to give her some time but...how much time does she need?? I'm getting tired of waiting...

Oh and guess what? Mom tried to 'ground' me when I finally got home on Saturday! She told me that I wasn't allowed to go anywhere but work. "I don't care how old you are!" She yelled at me when I told her I was 29. "You left without telling anyone were you were going and you didn't even bother to call me when you weren't going to be home! Do you have any idea how worried I was? Do you have any idea how upset Sara was when you weren't here?"

"Mom she didn't tell me she was coming over! How was I supposed to know she'd show up?"

"How were you...?" mom shook her head. "Tanner that girl has been over every single day since you've been sick!"

"Look mom I'm sorry I didn't call but are you seriously going to try to 'ground' me?"

Mom glared at me, "Don't think I can't," she snarled at me. "Go to your room," she pointed towards the stairs. "I'm so mad at you right now, I didn't raise you to be inconsiderate!"

"Fine," I headed towards the stairs only because I didn't want to argue with my mom, it just didn't feel right.

"And call Sara!" She hollered after me.

I didn't call Sara though, I went to my room and crashed. I didn't wake up until some time early Sunday morning. After going down stairs to get something to drink, I went back to bed and slept until just before I had to work Sunday.

I thought I would get to talk to Sara at work but it was a stat and she had the night off. I tried to call her Monday but she wasn't home or wasn't answering her phone.

Sunday was supposed to be my stat but since I forgot about it, I was given the chance to take it Monday night, so I won't see Sara until tonight.

I hope she's not too mad at me but I have a feeling I'm going to be in the doghouse for a while.

Spur Of The Moment

I stayed up once I posted here on Friday, I didn't want to go to sleep, I was bored with sleep. Ever since I've been sick that's all I've been doing. Hell I've barely been outside of my room all last week. It wasn't so bad when Sara was visiting me but when she was at work it really blew. I've come to realize that I've been depending on her way too much, I thought it was time I did some stuff that didn't involve her.

Just before seven I had showered and gotten dressed, I was on my way out when mom happened to come down the stairs to ask me what I was doing. "Just going out," I told her. She thought I was going to meet Sara, she told me to tell Sara she said hello. I didn't bother to correct her, I didn't bother to tell her that I wasn't even sure if Sara was going to stop by after work that morning. I just walked out the door and down the street.

I didn't have a plan for where I was going, I just didn't want to be locked in my room any longer. I thought about heading into town for breakfast but I didn't really want to drive anywhere so instead I started to walk, not towards the highway but back towards the end of my street, back towards the park.

From the park I could see my parents' street. In fact, from the park, if I were seated on the top of the slides, I had a clear view of my parents' front door. When I was a kid I would often come down to this park to hang out with my friends. As I grew older, it would become a place associated with more 'adult' play than what the park was originally designed for; sex, drugs and rocknroll were all parts of my teen aged years in this park.

Sitting on top of the slides, I stared off in the general direction of my street. I wasn't sure how long I was there but finally I saw a familiar car. At first I wanted to jump up and take off running, hoping to catch her before she got to my house but I hesitated, even though I knew it was childish of me, I was mad that she refused to tell me what she was doing that night. SO I stayed on the slides and watched her turn into my driveway.

From the distance, I couldn't really see the finer details but it looked like she was carrying something as she walked up the steps to the front door. I would be willing to bet that mom was surprised to see her and that Sara was equally surprised to find out that I wasn't home. When she turned to walk towards her car again, I noticed she was no longer carrying the bag, I wondered what was in it and why she left it with mom.

I watched her drive away. I still wanted to take off running to stop her but the jerk in me stayed seated on the slides.

I waited until mom and dad left for the store before I headed back to the house.

The bag Sara left was the first thing I noticed when I walked into the kitchen, there was a note from mom laying on the table beside it. I ignored both as I headed through the kitchen to the living room and finally upstairs to my room.

I spent a couple hours playing 'Devil May Cry' on the PlayStation before throwing the controller down. I headed back down stairs to the kitchen where I was going to grab something to eat but I spotted the bag Sara left. Fuck this! I thought. I grabbed the keys to the car and I walked out the door.

I didn't have anywhere to go so I drove around for a while but soon I was sick of doing the same old laps in town so I started to head back towards the house, only once I was on the highway, I fly pass the turn off and continued going.

Hours later I found myself in my old town, parked in front of the empty spot that used to hold my restaurant before it burnt to the ground. It had only been a couple months but things already seemed so different. I didn't know what I was doing there and I was feeling bad about not being home when Sara stopped by, I was going to turn around to head back home or at least back to Lakeland to see Sara but as I drove down the street, I spotted Chapters.

With a smile on my face, I whipped my car around the turn off and into the bookstores parking lot. It had been a while since I've been in Chapters, I thought as I made my way in through the main doors. I wonder if -

"OH MY GOD! TANNER!" I turned towards the Starbucks coffee shop located to the right of the entrance just in time to see a blur of pink and blond as it crashed into me, sending me stumbling backwards against the wall. "I missed you!" Mandy shrieked while wrapping her arms around my neck. "It's about time you came to see me!"