One Kiss

"I don't want to move," she said suddenly. "I know my mom wants me to go with her, she thinks it would be good for me to get away from this place and all the terrible reminders of what happened to me but I don't want to go. I don't want to run away from my past, it don't help to pretend that I didn't get the shit beat out off me over and over again." She shrugged, "It doesn't help, I can't forget. I see what he did to me every time I close my eyes and I feel pathetic and worthless all over again. I don't want to feel that way anymore, and lately, there are more and more times that I don't feel that way."

I was so shocked by her sudden outburst that I couldn't think of anything to say. My mind was seriously blank.

"Everything tells me that, if I'm not careful, I can destroy the one thing that has been keeping me sane for the past few months." Sighing, she leaned forward until her head rested against my shoulder. "Tanner why do you put up with me? I know I'm not that easy to get along with and I'm frustrating. Why are you still hanging around? Why haven't you found someone who treats you right?"

"You treat me right," I let go of her hands to wrap my arms around her waist. "Sure, it would be nice if you didn't ram that wall up every time I get close," I smiled when she shook her head. "I'm starting to get a flat nose!"

"Oh Tanner," she groaned. "I'm so sorry."

"Yeah?" My hand curled around her chin, tilting it upwards until she was looking at me. "So?" I glanced down, from my angle, I could see right down her tank top. My, "how sorry are you baby?” was spoken directly to her tits.

"You're unbelievable!" She exclaimed as she threw her head back and laughed. "I'm not that sorry."

"No?" I pouted. "Not even enough to warrant a kiss?" I asked while nudging her jaw with my nose. "Just a little kiss?"

"Tanner..."

"You don't even have to move your lips," I informed her as while nipping softly at her jaw. "Just press them against mine; I'll do all the work." When she laughed, I told her I was serious. "Do you wish to see me beg baby?"

"No," she held out her hand to stop me as I went to move to my knees. "I don't want you to beg for anything Tanner."

"Really?" I smiled. "I have to tell you there are things I can't wait to hear you beg for."

"I don't beg," she told me but the way she bit her lip made me want to test that little declaration of hers.

"Mmmm," I closed my eyes. "I like to picture you squirming beneath me, begging me to touch you a certain way."

"Oh yeah?" I felt her hand against my cheek, her fingers softly caressing my skin. "What else do you like to picture Tanner?"

I slide down her mattress until I was flat on my back with my eyes still closed. "I picture the view I would see from this angle," I licked my lips, groaning softly. "The bounce of your ti -" Sara poked me and I chuckled. "Fine, breasts. The way they would call to me while you rode me until every ounce of strength I had was yours."

"Sounds nice," she commented as she moved down next to me.

"Mmmm," I turned my head in her direction, my eyes still closed. "It sounds wonderful to me."

"Yeah," she agreed breathlessly as her hand slid possessively over my chest.

"Just one kiss?" I asked. "That's all I want right now." I didn't expect her to kiss me so when I felt her body move against mine, felt more pressure against her hand, I couldn't believe it. Her kiss was so soft and quick, I would've missed it if I wasn't on edge with my eyes closed. She moved back down to my side and I opened my eyes to gaze at her. "Thank you," I whispered before closing my eyes again.

It wasn't a big step but it was a step none the less. I was satisfied for the moment and I thought maybe it was time for me to get some sleep.

Sara moved against me again, I opened my eyes. "Was one really enough?"

"Well," I turned onto my side and slipped my arm around her. "What do you think Sara?"

She played with the hair at the nape of my neck for a second and then smiled naughtily as she pressed her body against mine. "It wasn't enough for me," she murmured as her lips brushed mine. "I want to feel your lips against mine," she told me. "I need you to kiss me. Please Tanner? I don't know if I can wait any longer."

I couldn't say no, even if you paid me. Hearing her soft moans and sighs as I moved over her while we kissed was worth more than all the gold in the world.

But I was in trouble because once her body was squirming under mine; I had this overwhelming desire to plunge deep inside her. Once again, I found myself so fucking horny, not sure how far I should push her.

Sound Advice

I had arrived at Sara's house thirty minutes after I hung up the phone. When I knocked on the door Sara's mom answered it and she seemed happy to see me.

"Sara didn't tell me you were coming over," she said as she closed the door behind me. "But I'm glad that you did, Sara is a little upset with me; she doesn't want to move but I asked her to come with me." She looked a little sad as she told me that Sara was all she had left. "I'd miss her terribly if she didn't go with me."

I was about to ask her what about what Sara wanted when she said she should get back to packing. "Sara!" She called up the stairs. "Tanner is here!"

At first there was no sound from upstairs, then, suddenly I heard the tell tale signs of Sara running. "Tanner!" She exclaimed, completely missed the last couple steps in her hurry to get down the stairs. "You're here!" She launched herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck as her body collided with mine.

"I told you I was coming," I grunted while stumbling back a step or two.

"I know but I didn't think you would," she grinned. "You did!"

"Yes," I chuckled. "I guess I did."

"I'm glad you did," she motioned towards the stairs. "Do you want to come up?"

Let me tell you, she didn't have to ask me twice. It didn't matter if her question was completely innocent or not, nothing would've stopped me from being alone in her room with her.

"Come," she led me into her room. "Sorry it's a little messy but I..." she shrugged and turned to close the door.

I made my way across her room, straight to her bed. There was no where else to sit, I swear! Her desk chair, the only other place to sit, was holding a box of boxes. That was the only 'mess' I could see, well, besides the clothes on the floor by her hamper and her work bag dropped on the floor at the foot of her bed. It wasn't that bad but I could've had to walk over a pile of junk for all I cared. As I sat down on the bed, my mind was on the boxes on her chair and the reason for them.

"Are you really moving with your mom?" I couldn't help but feel a little cheated that she would be moving three hours away from me when things seemed to be heading in the right direction for us.

"I don't know," she said with a tiny shrug as she sat down on the bed to face me. "I don't want to talk about it," she picked at her comforter. "I don't know what to do."

"Talking about it can help you figure it out Sara."

She nodded, "It could but..." she sighed. "Let's talk about something else."

"I would really like to talk about you moving Sara, especially since you said your mom was leaving at the end of the month."

"No," she shook her head. "I haven't figured it out, I don't want to talk about it yet Tanner."

"I can help you figure -"

"No Tanner," she cut me off as she jumped off the bed. "I don't want to think about it..."

I stood up too. "Sara it's not going to disappear just because you don't want to think about it. You need to figure out what you are doing now, you don't have that much time." I waited for a couple minutes but she just stood there twisting her fingers, playing with them, completely avoiding the situation. "Sara just tell me what you are thinking right now." I wanted to help her so badly but mainly, I just wanted her to let me in. "Why won't you talk about it?"

"I want to talk about something else Tanner," she said firmly as she looked up at me. "I don't want to talk about me anymore; I talk about me all the time." She chuckled and told me she was tired of talking about herself. "I wanna talk about you," she informed me with a smile. "I want to know what's going on with you."

For a second I debated arguing with her more but in the end I gave in. "Ok," I told her. "We'll talk about me..."

"Good," she went back to the bed and sat down. "You call -"

"Sara," I returned to my spot on the bed. "I'll talk about me but after we done, you have to let return the favor, you have tell me what's going on."

She hesitated but in the end she agreed and asked me why I called her.

For the next hour we sat facing each other on her bed while I told her my story. I told her about the classes I took in business and cuisine and how I dreamt of having my own restaurant. I told her how I managed to realize that dream while I lived in the city and how it all came crashing down around me. I told her the truth about my financial picture and how I came to decide to move back home and work nights with her. I shared my thoughts on the job, I like what I do and the people I work with - namely Billy and her - but it wasn't enough when I was feeling oppressed from living at home and the amount of my bills. She heard all about the job Chester offered me and the job that my parents inquired about for me. And the whole time, she listened intently. Never once did I think she was bored.

When I was done, she nodded thoughtfully. "What do you think?"

"I can't tell you what to do Tanner."

"I know, I just wanted to know what you think."

"Well," she hesitated, giving me a look that told me I should know what she was thinking.

I laughed, "What are you thinking besides you not wanting me to quit my job because you can't get enough of me?"

Sara smiled, one of those big infectious smiles. "While I don't want you to leave, I do understand why you feel you need too."

"Good." I looked at her expectantly. "What do you think? What would you do if you were me?"

Taking a deep breath, she started to speak. "I would look at all the pros and cons, see what works for me and then go for it."

"That really doesn't help Sara."

"I know," she said apologetically. "I just think that you have to decide if the quick buck or a job in your field of interest is what you want." She uncrossed her legs, briefly kneeling in front of me as she came around to sit beside me. "Do you want to work crazy hours and make enough money to take a huge chunk out of your debt and get your life back on track - all while hating every minute of it. Or, do you want to keep chipping away like you have been doing but do it from a position - a stepping stone, lets say - on your 'path' to your dreams."

"You make it seem like it should be an easy choice."

"No," she shook her head. "It's not an easy choice Tanner, if it was, you would already have made it."

I nodded, that made a lot of sense. "How would you decide Sara?"

"I would go see Chester this afternoon like planned, ask some of the questions you have about the job and let him know that you have another opportunity in the mix so you'll need another day to make your choice. Then I would go meet with Beverly tomorrow and see if that's something you want to do."

"So, pretty much, keep my options open until I talk to both of them."

"Yeah, that's what I would do." She shrugged. "But that doesn't mean you have to do it, it's your life Tanner, in the end you have to decide what's best for you."

"True, it is my decision but it's nice to hear what you have to say about it." I smiled at her, "So tell me..."

"Tell you what?" She gazed up at me as I wrapped my arm around her shoulders.

"Tell me how you are going to solve your problem."

"Make my mom change her mind?" She asked hopefully.

"I can't do that Sara."

"Yeah, no one can, she's been talking about moving ever since she came back from visiting my Aunt over Christmas. She wants this, she told me she needed a change."

"I guess it would be difficult to - wait a minute," I stared down at her. "Your mom visited your Aunt over Christmas?"

"Yes, mom went with my aunt when she left to go home just before Christmas. Why?" Her brow crinkled in confusion. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"You spent Christmas alone! I can't believe your mom left you to celebrate alone!"

"It was ok Tanner, she needed to get away."

"What about you? Christmas is a time for family and she deserted you!"

"Tanner stop it," Sara snapped at me. "Mom has had a difficult year with dad dying, she needed a break from this place."

"And your year was easy?"

"I'm ok Tanner," she pulled away a little.

"Are you really Sara? I have to tell you, from where I'm sitting, you aren't ok."

"That's not a nice thing to say Tanner." I could see the walls start to come up. "I've come along way, I'm no longer praying to die. I want to live and I'm trying everything I can to be what everyone expects me to be but damn it Tanner, I'm not perfect!"

"Funny thing about that Sara," I said as I took her hands in mine, gripping her fingers so she couldn't pull them away. "I don't want you to be perfect, I just want you to be happy."

Life Changes

It's not going that well, I hate not being able to move forward with Sara like I want too. Yet, I do understand that she does need to work through all the hang ups she has with men. She told me that she is starting to see a shrink so she can find a way to deal and move on with her life. "I know this isn't what you want to hear," she said just after she told me. "No one wants to know that someone they are interested in is crazy."

"Don't talk like that," I told her. "You aren't crazy - we work with Crazy - you aren't anything like her." I tried to get her to laugh, it worked.

"Yeah we do," she smiled. "Ok, maybe not crazy but I do have a lot of issues to work through and..."

"And what Sara?"

She sighed, "I'll understand if you don't want to wait for me to figure it all out."

I couldn't help but chuckle, "Sara I've been waiting for you to figure it out for months."

"Sorry," she muttered as she looked away from me.

"Don't be," I turned her face back to me. "I'll wait as long as necessary."

Sara told me that she didn't want me to wait for something that may not happen. "I can't promise you anything Tanner. I don't want you to wait and then be disappointed if it takes longer than you thought or it doesn't work out. I don't want to disappoint you."

I told her there was no point in worrying about that because I was a big boy, I could take care of myself. "You can't change how I feel or what I expect Sara. If I'm disappointed, it's won't be because you did something wrong. All you need to worry about is you, you are all that matters."

It has been a week, Sara has gone to see the shrink a couple times already and she seems happier already. She is still worried about disappointing me and worries that I'll hate her because she made the decision to work through her issues before going any further with me. That is so far from the truth though, I'm happy that she's taking care of herself. I tell her this every moment I can. I'm strong, I can wait.

I think.

Now for something completely different.

Yesterday Luke called me to let me know that the company he is working for is actively hunting for guys. "I suggested that Chester give you a call, you were still looking for another job, weren't you?"

Of course I was. No matter how much I liked working with Sara and Billy, I needed something else. It's not that the pay was bad - it was actually pretty good, better than I thought it would be - but still, I wanted something else. I had this desire to have my life back and not to have to work in my parents shop, or live in their house anymore. I needed freedom and space.

Chester called me late afternoon yesterday, he told me Luke suggested that I would be interested in coming to work for him. He gave me a run down on what he was looking for and if I figured I met those requirements, to go down to the office about the same time today and he'll put me on the payroll.

Now, the job that I've been offered, isn't all that glamorous but it will pay me more than I'm making now and I'll have all the hours I want. At least until the summer comes, then it slows down. Most of the guys make enough to carry them through the whole summer and most of the fall without having to get another job but I don't know if that'll work for me, I still have so much debt to pay off. I really want something more stable, even if it doesn't pay that much all at once.

Then this morning, when I got home from work, my parents were still at home. "Hey guys," I said cautiously as I closed the door behind me. "What's going on? Is something wrong?" I don't need to tell you guys how odd it was to come home to find my mom but to come home and find my dad as well? I was worried that they were about to tell me something horrible. "Is Travis ok?" It was the only thing I could think of.

"Your brother is fine," mom reassured me before asking me to sit down. "We just wanted to talk to you Tanner."

"Oh?" I removed my jacket and boots before joining them at the table where I waited, expectantly.

"We wanted to talk to you," my mom started. "Honey we are worried about you, we know that you had big plans when you came back here to get back on your feet. We know that you took the night job because we asked you to help out in the store instead of paying rent but you have to admit, you haven't been keeping up your end of the bargain."

"I know," I sighed. "I'm sorry," I looked from mom to dad and back again. "Are you asking me to start paying rent?"

"No," mom reached out her and patted mine. "No Tanner, we weren't even thinking about that. We love having you home honey, I can't tell you how happy I was when you first asked if you could move back in - I hated thinking of you living in the city and I missed you very much."

I was confused to say the least. "If you aren't asking for rent, are you..." my eyes widened at the thought I just had. "Are you asking me to move out mom?"

"Oh good heavens, no Tanner!" Mom glanced at dad, who was reading the newspaper. "Tell him," she told him.

My dad glanced at mom, then me. Sighing, he leaned forward in his chair and moved the paper around so that I could see what he was looking at - the Help Wanted section. "We heard that you were talking to Chester March yesterday."

"Yes," my mom jumped in. "I don't want you working for that man Tanner, I don't trust him."

"Woman please!" My dad shot my mom a look. "Did you want me to talk to him, or did you want to do it yourself?"

Mom rolled her eyes at dad. "Listen Tanner, I don't like Chester and I don't want you working for him." I started to protest, to tell her that I needed the kind of money he was offering. "I know, I know," mom held up her hands to me. "I know you want to get on your feet honey but I think you'll end up regretting it." Then she asked me if I really wanted to take that job. "You've always talked about your own restaurant dear."

"Yeah," I scoffed. "And I had that too, didn't I? Totally screwed that up and now, look at me!"

"Yes, you made a mistake Tanner but you didn't take all those courses in management and cuisine just to go work on the rigs! I won't see you throw it all away because you are afraid of failing again!"

"Well mom," I leaned forward, a little pissed. "It's not like a have a choice, I can't afford to start my own restaurant at this moment. Or are you forgetting the debt from the last one?"

"Of course we haven't forgetting Tanner," my dad jumped in. "Take a look at the paper, here." He pointed to the Help wanted section, halfway down the second page.

"We know that you don't have the money to start up your own restaurant," my mom continued as I read the ad. "But we were thinking that it would be better for you to be in the business, not wasting time with all these different jobs."

"Mom," I shook my head as I pushed the paper away. "This is an assistant manager position at a fast food joint."

"Yes," she nodded. "I know, and we happen to know the manager, we asked her about the position, told her all about your experience in the business and she is looking forward to meeting you."

"You did what?" I stared at her.

"We spoke to Beverly, she wants to meet with you tomorrow morning," my mom was smiling. "She is looking forward to meeting you Tanner."

"How could you guys do this?"

"Well," mom's smile disappeared. "We thought that this was a good thing Tanner, we are just trying to help honey."

"Help?" I shook my head. "You think this woman, this..." I looked at the ad. "Beverly, thinks it's cool that my parents were in begging her to give their son a job?"

"We didn't beg and we weren't even in there for you!" Mom snapped. "We were in having breakfast and overheard her talking to her business partner about the lack of qualified applications she received since she placed the ad."

"So you decided to jump in the middle of their private conversation and ask her to give me a chance?"

"Yes," mom nodded. "We think this will be a good opportunity for you Tanner. You'll be doing what you love and still be making enough money to cover your expenses and then some."

Mom had a point, I really didn't want to go to work for Chester, I wasn't really that interested in working on the rigs but to take a job in a fast food joint? Did that really work for me?

Of course my parents were all for it.

I needed to talk to someone else. I needed to talk to Sara.

Well, ok, I actually wanted to hear her voice, so I called her.

"Hey Tanner, what's up?" She asked when she found out it was me.

"I need to talk to you," I told her. "Can I come over?"

"I really..." she sighed. "I don't really feel like talking to anyone right now."

"What?" I frowned. "What's wrong Sara? You sound pretty down, did your appointment go well this morning?"

"I didn't have an appointment this morning Tanner, it's tomorrow." She sighed again. "I guess I should tell you, you'll find out soon anyway."

"I'm listening."

"Well my mom told me this morning that she's putting the house up for sale."

"That's good, right? You told me she was feeling overwhelmed in the house now that your dad was gone." She didn't say anything. "So, is she looking for a smaller place?"

"She found one," she said shortly.

"Oh? Where is it? Is it nice?"

Sara sighed deeply.

"What's wrong Sara? Tell me, please?"

"Mom found a place that she loves very much, so much so that she bought it right away; she's moving in at the end of the month."

"Wow, that's great." I couldn't believe that getting information from her was so difficult, although, it shouldn't be surprising, she was never one to volunteer too much information.

"Not really, she wants me to move with her."

"Well, living with your mom hasn't been all that bad, right? You said you two were closer than ever before."

"Yeah but Tanner," she sounded like she was about to cry. "My mom bought a condo in the city, she's moving there and she wants me to go with her."

"I'm coming over," I dropped the phone back into its cradle before she had a chance to tell me no.

Getting Some Where?

I didn't even think about what she was saying, all I saw was her hand on the door and I was upset. How could she even be thinking about going when there was so much more I wanted to say to her? We hadn't talked about anything really, we just touched on the surface of what was happening with us. "Where are you going?"

"Huh?" She looked confused. "What does that have to do with what I just told you?"

I nodded towards the door, "Where are you going? I thought we were going to have a serious talk?"

"We are," she reassured me. "I just thought that I should go turn off my car." She opened the door, "I'll be right back."

In the rear view mirror, I watched her slip slide across to her car and open the door. While she was gone, I thought about what she said - how she lived on her own until her father died. I didn't know that. I started to wonder why I didn't know that when I realized that I didn't take the time to really talk to her before - I was more interested in getting into her pants, if I were to be honest. Although, I don't see what's wrong with that. Sure, I wanted to get into her pants but I do care about her. Hell, if I didn't, I wouldn't have bothered her after she blew me off the first time.

She was taking a while, I glanced in the rear view mirror again, only to see that her car was still going and she was sitting in there. What the fuck? I slipped my car into reverse, spinning my tires as I backed up to where she was parked. She did a double take and then with an amused look upon her face, she lowered the window on the passenger side while I rolled down my window.

"What are you doing?" I asked as I leaned towards my opened window. She held up her finger as if to say 'one moment' before turning her attention to something inside her car. When she looked up again, I asked her what she was doing again.

"Oh," she smiled sheepishly. "I love the song that was playing - I just had to listen to it." She reached for her keys, paused and then turned towards me again. "Listen, I was thinking..." she brushed her bangs back from her face and with a smile, she asked me if we could go to my parents house. "I just don't want to sit around the parking lot all day."

I, of course, agreed.

We pulled up to my parents' place a few minutes later. I killed the engine and jumped out of my car to make my wait towards Sara as she came walking up the drive. "Hey," she smiled at me. "Wanna go in..." she trailed off as her eyes focused on something over my shoulder.

Turning slowly, I was surprised to see Luke in Claire's driveway with a shovel in his hands - he was cursing up a storm. "Hey man, do you know what you are doing with that shovel?"

Luke flipped me off as he looked up. "Fucking woman decided that she needed her driveway shovelled before she let me in this morning," he came over to where we were. "What do I look like? The fucking servant boy?"

"Well..." Luke shot Sara a dirty look when she laughed.

"It's not funny," he snapped. "I didn't come over here to shovel the damn drive!" Turning to me, he asked me to grab my dad's shovel and help him. "I haven't see you in forever man, help a friend out."

Before I could even think about answering, Sara cozied up to me. "Sorry Luke, Tanner has other things he has to do this morning."

Without missing a beat, Luke grinned, "Trade with me?"

"Fuck no!" I slipped my arm around Sara's waist. "Come on Sara, let's go inside." We moved forward, Luke told me I wasn't being fair and I told him I didn't care and I didn't share.

Sara was laughing as we entered the house, I asked her what was so funny and she told me that Luke may be bitching about the shovelling now but he wouldn't be after he was done. I asked her what she meant and she smiled, "Claire will make it worth his wild. She always had a thing for guy's doing physical things - sports, yard work, anything really that involves lots of effort and sweating."

I thought about the first time I spoke to Claire, the day that I was mowing my parents' yard and she asked me to do hers. "How do you know that?"

"We used to be friends," she said nonchalantly.

"You what?"

"We used to be friends," she repeated.

"What? When? You two can't even stand each other!"

"Well," she removed her gloves. "Claire and I used to hang out with the same crowd - she used to date a friend of mine - they broke up but we had become friends so I still talked to her. But then I met Ken, she hated him from the start. One day she came to me and told me that he was hitting on her when I wasn't around, I didn't believe her and I told her that. We got into a huge fight and stopped talking."

I took her coat when she removed it, I hung it up and removed mine before I turned to her. "Why is it that I don't know these things about you?"

"I don't know," she shrugged. "You never asked?" She wandered off towards the living room, leaving me to follow. "It's not like I was trying to keep anything from you Tanner."

I was starting to figure that out.

She sat down on the couch. "I guess I never offered that information before because I was told that I ramble on when I should just shut up."

"Who the hell told you that?" I demanded as I sat down next to her. She gave me this look and I knew who said that bullshit to her. "Sara, I want you to forget everything that bastard ever said to you. I like it when you ramble, it's cute." She blushed. "In fact," I slid closer to her, she had to tilt her head back in order to look up at me. "I would love it if you did so right now."

"Really?" She raised a brow. "What should I ramble about?"

"Hmmm," I smiled down at her. "Why don't you ramble on about why you couldn't stay those mornings?"

She took a deep breath and slowly blew it out. "Well, I really, really wanted to stay but the first time my aunt, my mom's oldest sister was coming to town for a visit and I had to help mom with a bunch of cleaning before she got here. The second time was because my aunt was leaving that morning and my mom was going with her."

"Oh." Those were pretty good reasons to go home. "You wanted me to go with you?"

She nodded, "My aunt wanted to meet you. I...umm..." she blushed. "I kinda told her about you."

"I'm sorry."

"No, don't be. I should've told you why I wanted you to come with me but," she shrugged. "I guess I got caught up in the fact that you seemed adamant not to go with me, I didn't think about being reasonable." She sighed, "I'm sorry Tanner, I knew the difference but when you said no, I flashed back to all the moments with Ken...he refused to go to my parents place at all. He swore that my parents hated him and he wasn't about to go to their place when all they did was put him down. But they didn't Tanner, they just weren't happy that he never came over."

"I'm not him."

"You think I don't know that?" She turned to me, taking my hand in hers. "Tanner trust me, I know you aren't him and I don't mean to compare you to him either but it's hard not too. Some times I wonder..."

"You wonder what?"

"Well...some times I wonder if I moved a little too fast. If I gave myself enough time to 'get over' being treated like crap by the bastard!"

I tried really hard but I couldn't stop from laughing. "You called him the Bastard!"

"Yeah," she smiled. "He is a bastard, he treated me like crap and I didn't deserve it."

"No Sara, you didn't deserve what he did to you; no one does."

"Yeah," she brought our hands up to her face - she kissed the back of my hand. "I really like you Tanner, you are so good to me and you are a nice guy but..."

"But?" I sat up straight, this sinking feeling in my gut. "Why do I think I'm not going to like what you are going to say?"

"I really like you Tanner," she repeated. "But I keep screwing up. I don't want to but I do. It's like I let you in but not completely because I don't want to be hurt."

"I can't promise I won't do something stupid Sara but I don't mean to hurt you."

"I know but...it's just that..." She looked so helpless and so alone as she let go of my hand and hugged herself. "Maybe I'm afraid of needing you too much."

Talking The Talk

"Have you done anything new lately?" Sara asked as she bit into her sausage egger.

"No, I been busy at the shop with dad and the rest of my free time is spent at my brother's place."

She smiled, "I like your brother and his family; they seem happy."

"I guess, I really don't think about it. They've had their problems but Shelly hasn't left him so..." I shrugged.

"He loves her."

She said it with such conviction, it surprised me. I took a bite of my hash brown, chewing slowly as I thought about it. Sure, Travis said just as much to me earlier but some times I wondered if he really loved Shelly; he acted like she was an inconvenience, sometimes I didn't even know if he cared for her. "How do you know?" I found myself asking her.

"Your brother tries," she explained. "He may not be the most romantic, or the most thoughtful, but you can see that he's trying. When he stops, that's when I would worry about them."

"Why do you think that's a good thing, that he's trying? Shouldn't he have what Shelly wants down by now?"

"I like to think that want we want changes. One day we might want a man who makes us laugh, the next we might want someone who can makes us feel like the smartest woman, or the most beautiful. It changes Tanner, everything changes."

"Like us?" I finally approached the topic we had been avoiding.

"We haven't changed Tanner."

"No?" I glanced around my car. "Normally we wouldn't be having a conversation here."

"True," she nodded. "But that doesn't mean that anything changed Tanner."

"Feels like it changed," I grumbled.

"Not at all," she replied immediately.

"How can you say that when we haven't talked or spent anytime together in the last couple weeks?"

She stared right at me. Her eyes locked with mine. "We don't have to spend every single minute together, remember?"

I hated when the voice in my head repeated those words but to hear her say it? I was disgusted with myself. I threw my head back with a grunt, snacking it off the head rest a little harder than I expected.

"Oh!" She jumped, her hands reaching out towards me. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah," I leaned forward and rubbed the back of my head. "I'll be fine."

"Good, I didn't want to have to put this off because you gave yourself a concussion or something," she chuckled. "I'm glad you are ok."

"Me too," I rubbed my head once more. "So?" I raised a brow in her direction.

"So..." She drummed her fingers on her lap. "Oh hell," she jumped in her seat and turned to face me. "It really upset me that you wouldn't go home with me Tanner, I don't understand it."

"Why couldn't you..." I started to ask her why she couldn't stay but I didn't want to get into that argument again. "I feel stupid."

She looked confused as she asked why. "Do I make you feel that way?"

"No," I shook my head. "No Sara, you don't make me feel stupid."

"Then what's making you fee stupid?"

I sighed, it was now or never. "I...ummm..." I couldn't believe how hard it was to admit to her that I was jealous and I worried about measuring up. "Haha," I chuckled nervously - I wished she would stop looking at me.

"Does it have anything to do with my mom?" She toyed, nervously, with her fingers. "She likes you Tanner, I want you to know that."

"It's not your mom Sara."

"Then what is it?"

I took a deep breath, "The Bastard."

"What?" Her brow crinkled and her nose screwed up. "Ken? What does he...?" She shook her head in disbelief. "I don't get it Tanner."

"I don't know..."

"Yes you do Tanner."

"Yes, I do." I admitted. "It's just that...ummm...well..."

She waited, watching me.

"Fine," I groaned, raking my hand through my hair in frustration. "I feel stupid because I can't bring myself to go home with you knowing that you were with him there. In your room." I waited, she didn't say anything. "In your bed."

That got a response. Not one I expected but a response all the same. She laughed.

"Tanner!" She grabbed my hand. "Is that what's bothering you? You think it would be weird to be with me somewhere you think Ken was?"

"Yes," I wrapped my hands around hers. "I know it shouldn't bother me -"

"You're damn right it shouldn't!" She ripped her hand out of mine. "You have a problem with possibly being with me some where someone else was? Well how the hell do you think I feel? I saw you screwing Claire!"

Until she mentioned it, I forgot that she was in the bathroom stall that night. I said the only thing I could think of, "I'm sorry Sara."

She turned away from me, crossed her arms over her chest and stared out the windshield. "No you're not. You enjoyed every second of it."

I sighed, "I wish you didn't see that. I wish I didn't do it."

"It's too late for that," she told me. "But you know what Tanner? I didn't let the image of you with her stop me. I still spent time with you. I stayed at your house - in your bed - in your arms! I put all those images aside so that I could be with you. I wanted to be with you! Even while I was supposed to be with Ken, I was with you!"

"Sara I'm sor -"

"Don't," she stopped me. "I can't stand to hear you apologize again." She grabbed hold of the door handle. "Just so you know Tanner, Ken was never with me in my room," she looked over her shoulder at me. "I lived on my own when we met - I only moved back into my parents' house after my dad died - my mom was scared and lonely."

Here For A Good Time

"I don't think it would be wise right now," was her reply to my request for her to join me in the training room so we could talk.

"Why not?" I asked her as we walked, side by side, back to the back of the store. "Why don't you want to talk to me?"

"Tanner." She stopped; her hand rested on my arm as she tilted her head back to lock eyes with me. "It's not that I don't want to talk to you, I just don't think that we should get into us while we are working." She started to walk only to pause a couple steps later. "We should talk though," she threw me a look over her shoulder. "There are so many things that need to be said."

As much as I hated to admit it, she was right, it probably wasn't the best idea to get into everything while we were working. So I waited.

Seven o'clock came, my co-workers were hurrying out of the store, eager to put as much distance between themselves and work as they could. Me? I was standing in the entrance of the store, supposedly waiting for me car to warm up, but truth me told, I was waiting for Sara to come by to see if it was a good time to have that talk.

It took ten minutes for Sara to come strolling towards the doors. They opened for her, she made the move to step through, looked right at me and paused. "You're still here?"

"Yes," I pushed away from the candy dispenser lined wall I was leaning against. "I thought now would be a good time to talk. Unless," I raised a brow. "Did you have something you needed to get home for?"

"No, no," she shook her head while stepping from one foot to the other. "It's just that...well...where should we have this talk?"

"We could go to my parents house," I offered but she immediately shot that down; said that it wouldn't be a good idea. "How about we go get some breakfast?" Sara made a face. "What's wrong with that? You don't want to spend that much time with me?"

"No, that's not it Tanner. I guess," she shrugged slightly. "I just think that it would probably be best if we had our conversation in private, but, I am kind of hungry."

"Ummm...." I had nothing.

"Why don't we..."

I waited but Sara didn't say anything for a while as she toyed with her bottom lip. "Sara?"

"Hmm?" She glanced at me. "Oh!" She grabbed my arm. "Why don't we go back something from A&W and then..." she shrugged, "I don't know what after that but it's a start, right?"

Since I didn't have an idea, we went with hers.

We walked towards the parking lot, she told me to go ahead, that she'll meet me at A&W when her car warms up.

"Why don't we just go in my car?" I asked her. "It shouldn't take too long to grab the food; you could start your car and it'll be warm by the time we get back."

I thought she would argue with me but she surprised me - she went to start her car. "I'll be right there," she called over her shoulder.

The ride to A&W was pretty quiet, it was only a five minute drive, so it's no wonder. We went in, ordered a couple eggers with hash browns and orange juice, then I drove us back to work.

"I guess we should talk now," she reached into the bag to pull out a bacon egger and held it out to me. "A meal and a chat in the car," Sara grinned. "Sounds like a good time to me."

Chances

Since I've been spending less time with Sara, my mother thought it would be a good idea for me to spend all my waking hours either at the store with my father or in Lakeland, visiting my brother.

It's not that I don't like spending time with either one of them.

I love my dad, he's a great guy, it's just that spending too much time at the store makes me want to shoot myself in the foot to liven up the day. I don't want to be friendly and helpful to snotty little kids who are only in the store to see if there's anything good to steal. I don't want to suggest music to some old granny for their precious little brats upcoming birthday. I don't want....you know, it's working at the store that makes me happy that I work nights, away from all of them.

Travis, well, I guess I like him. We get along, most of the time. The first couple times I went to visit him, everything was ok but this last time wasn't. Mom told him how I screwed up with Sara so he kept making snide remarks about how I thought I was so smart when he was in trouble with Shelly. "But you don't have a fucking clue, do you Tanman?"

"Fuck off."

He just laughed, "Where are all your grand ideas now?"

"I have ideas," I snapped.

"Let's hear them," he leaned forward in his chair. "Tell me how you, the biggest dumb fuck out there, is going to fix this screw up with Sara?"

"I'm not the biggest dumb fuck," I muttered.

"No?" Travis chuckled as he took a swallow of his beer. "Correct me if I'm wrong Tanman," he pointed the beer bottle at me. "You are the one who's single and alone, right?"

I glared at him.

Sitting back in his seat, he smiled. "I may not be the world's biggest sap but I am the only guy in this room getting action."

"Fuck you, I can get laid whenever the hell I feel like it and I don't have to marry the chick first either!"

For a second there, I thought Travis was going to jump out of his chair to strangle the life out of me. "I didn't have to marry Shelly to sleep with her," he hissed. "I married her because I didn't want to sleep with anyone else."

I stared at him, I couldn't believe those words came from his mouth. "Shelly won't believe me when I tell her you said that."

"Fuck you!" He leapt from his chair. "You keep your fucking mouth closed!"

"What? Why?"

"Come on Tanman! She's a chick, they never hear what you tell them! She'll twist and turn it until she comes up with something fucked up like," he paused to think and then his eyes bugged open. "I want to sleep with other women!"

"What?" I scoffed.

"That's right!" He jabbed his finger at me. "If you tell her I said that, her mind will twist it around and I'll be in the fucking doghouse again! So shut it Fucker, leave my wife alone, you have your own woman to worry about."

I was thinking about what Travis said since I left his house that day. Was that what happened with Sara? Did she hear what she wanted to hear? Sure, the 'we don't have to spend every fucking minute together' was pretty straight forward. I didn't mean it, I loved spending time with her, I really miss her even though I see her every night at work.

Two nights ago at work, during the meeting, I was sitting across from Sara and Billy. I watched them for a while, wishing I was in on whatever conversation they were having. They were laughing together, heads close together as they spoke. And I was fucking jealous. I hated seeing Billy cozying up to Sara like that. I wanted to jump of the counter, go over there and punch his fucking lights out.

"Good Morning Everyone!" Judy came out of the office with her usual handful of paperwork to start the meeting. "I have some good news. After a week of two truck nights, we some how managed to end up with a no truck night! Yay!" She started to walk around handing out our productivity sheets, telling us that the unloaders pulled every single skid that was back on the floor in the back room. She handed mine to me and then went over to Billy and Sara, gave Billy one but not Sara.

"Umm Judy?" Sara looked puzzled. "Where's mine?"

Judy informed her that she didn't have any skids in the back room, "You get a break from infants tonight."

"Oh?" Sara frowned, "Where am I going?"

"With me," Billy piped up, looking shocked.

Judy told them that the MODs were set in Toys so the 15 skids that were in cold storage needed to come in and be worked. "And when you are done that, there are some skids in the steel," she joked before turning to everyone and telling them to have a great night.

"This is going to be great," Sara squealed as she jumped off the counter she was sitting on to hug Billy before they walked off together.

I had a feeling that it was going to be a long night.

And it was, watching Billy and Sara working together, playing around and laughing was torturous. I tried as hard as possible to ignore them but they were so loud - shouting across the department, singing at the top of their lungs and laughing at absolutely nothing.

It was just after lunch when I heard Sara squeal and shout something. I walked to the end of the aisle just in time to see Sara running towards me with Billy chasing her. "Save me Tanner," she gasped as she slid behind me, grabbing my arm, using me as a shield. "I didn't mean it Billy!"

"He can't protect you now sweetheart," Billy made a move to grab for Sara and without thinking, I grabbed the front of his shirt and held him. "Hey, we were just playing."

"Yeah Tanner," Sara's hand slipped over mine. "We were just playing."

I looked back and forth between the two of them, shook my head and released him. "I have work to do."

A couple times after that, I happened to catch Sara looking my way. I wanted to go over but I had no clue what to say to her. Once or twice we were both in the main aisle together. She would smile at me, I would return the smile but she would turn away.

When Judy called last break, Sara and I were in the main aisle, she glanced at me - I finally made a move.

Big Time Ass

It's been a while since I reported about the events in my life because I've been avoiding thinking about what's been going on for the last week or so. The morning that I've been dragging out, the morning that Sara and I were interrupted by my mom, is the last thing I remember that made any sense. We were moving forward, I thought I was going to get 'lucky' and then...well I don't fucking know what happened. Maybe you can tell me.

We were getting ready for work after having supper with my parents. We were in the bathroom, Sara was using the mirror on the back of the bathroom door as she worked some girly smelling hair crap into her hair while I was standing at the sink, shaving. It was nice, she was chatting on about the 24 hour thing at work and how it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be; I was watching her in the mirror and thinking to myself how strange it was that I wasn't uncomfortable 'grooming' with her standing there.

"So I was thinking," she said as her hand brushed against my arm as she plugged in the hairdryer my mom lent her, "maybe it wouldn't be so bad to work around them again." She met my eyes in the mirror. "What do you think Tanner?"

"Well," I rinsed my razor off and brought it back to my face, about to tackle the right side. "It's your decision baby," I told her. "I just know it's not for me, I'm just trying to make as much money as I can so I can get my life back."

"Oh," she frowned as she turned back to the mirror on the door. Holding the hairdryer in one hand and her round brush in the other, she lifted her arms up, only to drop them again to shoot me a confused look. "What do you mean? This is just a 'stop over' on your way to getting your 'real' life back?"

I nodded, "I don't plan on working there for the rest of my life," I paused, turning to look at her. "In fact, I was talking to my brother a couple days ago and he might know of job for me after the new year that will help me get my life back a lot sooner than I hoped, so I won't need the night job anymore."

"That's great," she flashed me a smile but it seemed a little forced. I would've asked what was wrong but she turned on the hairdryer and turned away from me.

I figured that I was just seeing something that wasn't there, she seemed fine after she was done with her hair and we were in my room getting dressed. She was packing her clothes back into her overnight bag, like she always does every time she comes over and I figured that, since she was going to come over in the morning again, she should just leave the bag alone. I mentioned that to her and she said she couldn't.

"Come on Sara, it's not like my parents are going to mind you leaving your stuff here."

"It's not that," she glanced at me before shoving her toiletries into the bag. "I can't come over after work tomorrow morning, so I have to take this with me tonight."

"Oh?" I didn't remember her telling me this before. "Why can't you come over? Are you upset or something?"

"No," she shook her head. "I have to go home, that's all." She zipped up the bag and then stood there staring down at it for few seconds. She didn't say anything else, so I continued to get dressed. I was in the middle of pulling on a t-shirt when she said my name, "Why don't you come home with me in the morning?"

"What?" I pretended I didn't hear what she had said as I pulled my shirt down over my chest.

"Yeah," she came over to me with a smile on her face. "Come home with me in the morning."

"Why?" I stared at her blankly. "What's wrong with you coming here in the morning?"

She smile faded, "I told you I have to go home in the morning. Could you please come home with me?"

"Why do you have to go home?"

"I have stuff I have to do at home Tanner," she sighed. "Why don't you want to come home with me?"

"Why don't you tell me what you have to do?"

Sara stared up at me and then sighed, shaking her head. "Forget about it," she said as she turned away.

"No," I circled around to stand in front of her. "Why won't you tell me why you have to go home? It's just like the other week when you blew me off and didn't tell me why."

"I didn't blow you off Tanner," she crossed her arms over her chest. "I told you I had to go home and I asked you to come with me. Why don't you ever want to come home with me?" I tried to tell her she was being silly but she didn't believe me. "No, I'm not Tanner. Every single time I ask you to come with me, you tell me 'no' or you pretend not to hear me."

"Sara," I reached for her but she quickly avoided my hands.

"No," she said when she was out of my reach on the other side of my bed. "Why don't you want to come home with me? Is it because my mom is home? Do you not like my mom Tanner?"

"No Sara, I think your mom is a nice lady."

"Then why do you act like going home with me would be a fate worst than death?"

I didn't answer her.

"If it's not because of my mom, it because of me?"

I told her she was being silly, I liked spending time with her.

"Well then why don't you come -"

"We don't have to spend every fucking moment together Sara!" I snapped without even thinking, I just wanted her to stop asking me why. And when I realized what I said, I started to apologize but fuck! you should've seen the look on her face.

"You're right," she said quietly. "We don't have to spend every moment together." She grabbed her bag off the bed. "It's funny though," she said with a sad chuckle. "You don't mind being with me when it's at work or here but you can't be with me at my house?"

"Come on Sara," I grabbed hold of her arm as she tried to run pass me to the door. "It's not that at all."

She didn't say a word or even look at me. She closed her eyes though, and clenched her lips together but I saw the slight tremble of her chin. She was fighting the urge to cry, I just knew it and fuck me, I felt like an ass.

I didn't want this, I didn't want to make her cry but I just couldn't bring myself to go to home with her - I didn't want to spend time with her in a place where she was with the Bastard.

And I wasn't about to admit that to her. I wasn't about to show her just how fucking insecure I could be, so I let her go. I released her arm and told her to go.

She took off for the stairs, sobbing as she went. I heard my mom call out to her as she made her way to the kitchen but according to the way my mom called out, and the earful I got when I ventured downstairs, Sara didn't stop.

That all happened just before Christmas. Merry Ho Ho to me! It was a great holiday. I don't know why I thought she would come around, why I thought she would be ok at work around me. I don't fucking know why I didn't tell her the reason I didn't want to go home with her. All I know is that work, home and everything else isn't the same without Sara.

So my New Years resolution? Be a fucking man for once and get the girl back.

Oh and to take the job with my brother, make lots of money and finally put the whole restaurant disaster behind me.

Now, how do I go about doing it?