No Isn't The Right Answer

Travis and Shelly are crazy. And I'm just as crazy because I said yes. That's right, when my brother called me this morning, he didn't really care how I was doing, how work was going or if Sara has been around lately. No, he's not that type of guy, he only asks these things when he wants something.

And boy did he want something.

"Shelly has been bugging me about taking her out," he told me. "Without the boys."

"Without the boys?" I faked surprised. Shelly has been after him for a couple months now to show her some attention, he's been ignoring it as if she'll suddenly stop wanting to do stuff with him. I wanted to tell him that she'll stop alright...when she leaves his sorry ass.

"Yeah!" Travis exclaimed as if it was the most ridiculous thing he ever heard in his life. "You know what she wants to do? Go to a freaking hotel for the night! What the hell do I want to go to a hotel in my own town for? My bed is just as comfortable!"

I laughed, "I think you are missing the point fucker."

"Don't call me fucker...fucker."

"Don't be stupid, take your wife out this weekend before she realizes that she would be better off without you."

"I'm the best damn thing that ever happened to that woman!"

My brother is such an ass...all the time. I really don't know how he ever got Shelly to marry him. She must've been stoned or something. "Travis you are lucky she sticks around. Take her out, do whatever she wants and don't do something stupid to fuck it all up."

"Screw you," he muttered.

"If you play your cards right, you could be 'screwing' your wife all weekend."

"Fu - wait, what?" Totally clueless.

So I spelt it out for him. "Shelly wants you to take her out without the boys, right?"

"I told you that already, fuck you are forgetful."

"Shut up asswipe."

"Make me f-"

"Travis! Fuck! I'm trying to tell you that Shelly is probably thinking of a romantic weekend with you which, if you don't fuck it up, means she's thinking about sex."

"No way!" Travis laughed and then stopped. "Are you serious?"

"How is it possible that you are even married?" I shook my head. "Yes you dumb fuck, your wife is probably planning some kind of romantic evening that she wants to end in sex."

"Alright!"

I rolled my eyes. "No, not alright. Don't let her plan it."

"What? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm going to get laid this weekend and you are telling me not to do it? Tanman, you really need to get head or something. Do you need me to lend you money for a whore? I could do that for you, being the nice guy I am."

"Fuck you," I snapped. "I only told you not to let her plan it! She doesn't want to plan it, she wants you to plan it and she wants it to be romantic and all that crap. You know candles and music and -"

"Fuck Tanman! Are you going gay or what?"

"Plan the fucking weekend Travis! Shelly may end up doing something 'special' for you to show her appreciation, if you play your cards right."

Silence.

"Travis?"

"Youhavetohelpme!"

"What?"

"Plan this!" He snapped. "You have to help me, you know I don't do this romantic bullshit." It was true, my brother's idea of 'romantic moments' is not grabbing Shelly's tits every time he kisses her.

"Fine. What does Shelly like?"

Travis did a horn ball chuckle before saying, "Well she loves it when I lick her..."

"If you continue with that sentence you are on your own."

"What? You asked what she liked, I was just telling you..."

"What would put her in the mood dumb ass, not how to get her off!"

Travis had trouble coming up with some mood setters on his own but when I asked him specific 'does she like...' questions he knew the answers to them. He knows his wife really well, he just lacks the initiative to carry out the things to make a 'special' night for her.

After I gave him a few ideas and some numbers of people to help him carry out those ideas, he said he had to run and before he hung up, he said. "Thanks for agreeing to watch the boys."

"What?" I damn near jumped out of my chair when he said that. "Travis I didn't - fuck!" He had hung up on me, I was talking to the dial tone.

I called him back and we fought for about a half hour on whether or not I was being a dick for not wanting to watch my nephews for one night.

Apparently I am a dick. But a dick who reluctantly agreed to babysit on his weekend off.

Now, if I only knew how to watch kids.