Sara's Fear

Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant...

The word repeated in that eerie echo-y way in my head. I gasped or maybe I just think I did but I was really just laying next to her with my jaw scraping the quilt she just gave me. It was as if the world disappeared into the black abyss the moment that word left her lips. I broke out in a cold sweat! I couldn't fucking believe it! I was actually panicking! And the funny thing? I wasn't panicking because she just told me it was mine but because it wasn't mine! How fucked up was that? Panicking because I wasn't about to be a father? Fuck me! I needed help!

"It's ok," my voice sounded so far away, it was almost trippy. I started to tell her that it would be ok when she started to laugh.

"Tanner!" She grabbed hold of my arm and gazed up at me. "I'm not pregnant! I thought I was!"

"Oh," I blinked a couple times in rapid succession, thankful that she stopped me before I told her that I would help her raise the baby. "That's great," I couldn't believe the disappointment that spread over me. What the...? Disappointment? I should be fucking happy that she isn't carrying the bastards baby but... I didn't know what it was. OK, I did, I just didn't want to admit that I was excited for a brief moment under all that panicking.

"Is everything OK?" Sara chewed nervously on her bottom lip at she stared at me. When I told her that everything was fine she seemed to relax just a little.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked her, not really sure I wanted to know but I felt like I needed too.

"I didn't know how to tell you Tanner," she looked away. "I didn't want to be pregnant with Ken's baby. I didn't love him and I didn't want to be left with a reminder of all my past mistakes." She shrugged, a small motion that I almost missed. "I avoided taking a test because I didn't want to admit there was a possibility that I could be..."

"But you took the test? You are sure you aren't pregnant?"

She nodded, "Billy made me." She chuckled softly, turning to me again. "He bought me a test Saturday after work and told me if I didn't take it he would hound me until I did."

"You told Billy you thought you were pregnant?" The resentment started to boil inside me, it was stupid, I knew this but the fact that Billy knew when I didn't made me mad. "You didn't trust me enough to tell me?"

"Of course I did!" She exclaimed. "I didn't mean to tell Billy but he was asking so many questions when we went out on Friday, he said I was acting so strange lately and he wanted to know why. I blurted it out to shut him up!"

Sara went on to tell me that she wished she had the courage to tell me before she found out that she wasn't pregnant. "We were just starting to get to know each other," she stated. "I didn't want to burden you with it."

"It wouldn't have been a burden," I told her. "I could've been there for you Sara."

She shook her head, "No it wasn't your problem, it was mine. I didn't want to let you in only to have to push you away again."

"What?" I frowned, I didn't know how letting me know she thought she was pregnant would change the way things were between us. "If you were pregnant Sara, I would be there for you." She started to shake her head. "I would!"

"No Tanner," she pushed away from me and sat up, not looking at me. "If I was pregnant with Ken's baby you couldn't be around me."

"Sara what are you..." I pushed back the quilt and sat up, reaching out my hand to her. "Why couldn't I be around you? You wouldn't want me around?"

"Tanner..." she sighed sadly. "Of course I would want you around but Ken wouldn't." She glanced over her shoulder at me. "I would have to have the baby Tanner, you understand that, right?" I nodded, I never thought she wouldn't have the baby, if there was one. "I would have to tell him and he would demand to be in the baby's life, even if I didn't want him too."

"So?" I didn't understand what that had to do with me being there for her, so I asked her.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "He would make my life hell, and the baby's life too if there was another man in the picture." She took another breath and turned back to me. "I didn't want to let you in Tanner because I didn't want to have to give you up if I was pregnant."